A Bit Of A Life Update!

So! This blog doesn’t really have a specific subject or topic to talk about other than me and how my life has been recently. On the run up to discharge and what has happened since, considering it actually hasn’t been that long.

So I have obviously been in St. Andrews since December 28th 2019. I was admitted to a locked rehab ward, for a specific type of therapy (DBT) that could help my quality of life with EUPD and help me better manage my emotions and problem behaviours.

Essentially, I spent my first few months in hospital fighting the system, I had only just come out of a years admission to two hospitals prior but i had rapidly declined back to problem behaviours; self harm, suicidal ideation and attempts, drugs and alcohol. I was furious at myself. I didn’t accept the help I was offered. I was already way too wrapped up and blind to what was being presented to me as warning signs, and all the therapy I had done prior went out the window.

After those initial months I began to accept that the only way out was through. There wasn’t any other way to get to where I wanted to be; to be managing my emotions, thoughts and behaviours enough to be able to live a life in the community – safely! So then began my hardest journey yet. Acceptance and willingness, its certainly safe to say that that wasn’t an easy step, and it definitely wasn’t linear. There had been many occasions were my team had to support me to recognise that what I was doing and the way I was presenting was a cause for concern. The amount of times the social worker (she is a gem!) told me, very bluntly, that I either wasn’t accepting of something, that I was thinking emotionally or that what I was doing wasn’t ‘right’ is a lot. But those are the things that helped me recognise and change.

In the run up to my discharge, which was planned for 3 months, we began looking for a placement in the community, somewhere independent but with staff to support me through potential struggles. And very soon began my transition to just that! My community team approached a previous care provider I was with in 2018, when i was poorly and sadly they had to terminate my placement there as I went into hospital was they couldn’t manage my risk….and they said YES!!! I was so worried that they wouldn’t, that my previous behaviours would cause too much doubt and worry for them to accept me. But my hard work and determination in the last year particularly really proved itself. Certain staff that knew me then had said how different I am, in a good way. So we started a transition into my very own flat!

For two weeks I went between St. Andrews and my flat, following a lot of COVID swabs and self isolation to make sure everyone was safe and protected. And on December 10th 2020 I was taken off my section and discharged from Hereward Wake Ward! Everyone was so happy with the progress I had made in my time there, and although it was such a positive moment; it was bittersweet. My team there had such an impact on me and my recovery. I also do feel the need to mention my 1:1 therapist, who I did individual therapy with for the majority of my stay, was an absolute blessing. She helped me in ways no one has ever before. She was the most wonderful person and I wouldn’t be who I am today without her input into my recovery journey.

So now I’m here. One published news article and one in the process, a podcast lined up with St. Andrews and one hell of a journey ahead of me. Here begins the hardest part. Managing without the restrictions of a hospital, of a section, 24/7 company. I will admit its been difficult already, there have been some unexpected struggles but I’ve managed them. With the help on the therapy skills I have spend so long etching into my brain, to become natural to me, automatic. And I’m doing it! I’m living, going to college, sharing my story and giving others hope.

The love and support I have received through twitter (@megs_is_living) has been amazing! My heart is so full of love and I have so many people supporting me, family, friends, strangers, police officers who knew me when I was poorly!! It’s amazing, honestly. I’m getting emotional writing this but yeah, this is it, the beginning of a new chapter in the book of Meg!

Just a small note to end on, to anyone reading this, this year has been difficult for everyone, more so those who already struggle with their mental health, but please dont ever forget, you have survived 100% of your worse days. You’ve got this. I believe in you.