BPD and me.

CW; Self Harm, Suicide.

BPD, my main diagnosis. It stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, its also known as EUPD, which stands for Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Personally i prefer EUPD, it explains what i struggle with more, being emotion instability, not having a ‘borderline’ personality. Yet i use BPD more frequently as people understand what I’m talking about.

The diagnosis criteria for BPD, according to DSM-5 (1), is fear of abandonment, unstable interpersonal relationships, unclear or shifting self image, impulsive or self destructive behaviours, self harming behaviours, suicide attempts/ideation, extreme emotional swings, intense anger and feelings of paranoia or dissociation. In order to receive a formal diagnosis of BPD you have to experience at leats 5 of the 9 criteria. It is most likely that someone who receives a diagnosis will of experienced some kind of traumatic event in their lifetime. Its also most likely that you wouldn’t be diagnosed with BPD until you are over 18. This is because your personality is under development through puberty and emotions and hormones are already causing chaos!

For me, the most significant symptoms I struggle with are the emotional mood swings, parasuicidal and suicidal behaviours, paranoia and dissociation. I was diagnosed with ‘Emerging Borderline Personality Disorder’ when i was inpatient in a CAMHS unit when i was 16 by the ward psychologist. I dont actually know when i was formally diagnosed with BPD, it just kind of appeared. So i never really had the sit down chit chat with a consultant or psychologist to explain why i was diagnosed and what it actually was. I did all the research myself and then since being in the longer term hospitals I’ve been in more recently, doing DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy), it all makes a lot more sense. Ive been learning a lot more about my diagnosis, about my emotions and with therapy I’ve been learning how to manage my emotions a lot more.

I first started displaying self harming behaviour when i was a lot younger, I remember the first time i ever purposely hurt myself. I was 8 years old (in year 5 at primary school) and i had intentionally used an item to hurt myself. It happened a few times in the next few years. My self harm became a nightly occurrence when i was about 14, it then escalated when i was 16 which led to my first adolescent psychiatric admission to a CAMHS acute ward. It continued to escalate and in the last two years it has escalated into a life threatening behaviour, often resulting in secondary self harm of refusing medical attention. I think this has been the most prevalent of my behaviours along with unstable emotions and interpersonal relationships.

Unstable emotions used to effect me a lot more, before doing therapy. I would react to situations in such extravagant ways, for seemingly no reason. Often crying a lot and getting increasingly angry, my parents often getting the brunt of it. Once my emotions had slowly returned back to my baseline of arousal the guilt i would feel was intense. I had at some points treated my parents in some questionable ways. Since then, i have learned and utilised skills in order to check if the emotions I’m feeling are justified, if they’re not i use skills to bring my arousal level down, if they are to do something about it, to change the emotions. Doing this i also utilise interpersonal effectiveness to convey what i want or how I’m feeling.

Through a lot of my younger years, i struggled with suicidal ideation. Having suicidal thoughts and intentions without acting upon them. It was exhausting, planning ways to end my life, and not acting on them. I’m unsure why, maybe the comfort of knowing that there was a way out of the mental pain that i was going through with regards to my previous childhood traumas. I caused a lot of concern from my family and my community mental health team. December of 2018 i went through another trauma event. This sent me into a spiral of a lot of self harm and acting upon my suicidal ideation. I made a few attempts on my life before being admitted to an adult acute psychiatric ward, my 5th admission, this led to the transition to my first locked rehab.

All in all, BPD is absolutely hell, for the most part. I guess some of the positives are that i feel all the best feeling in such amazing and wonderful ways. I’m empathetic, i am resilient, i see the small beauties in the world, things people may miss out on and I love deeply. I wouldn’t wish BPD on anyone. It has a terrible stigma surrounding it, which i think is a whole other blog!! That’s for another day! But for now, that is all!

References:

(1) https://www.medscape.com/answers/913575-165741/what-are-the-dsm-5-diagnostic-criteria-for-borderline-personality-disorder-bpd